Life is never easy for those who dream

I just moved back home from Australia.

Lemme explain a little...

Or a lot...

My whole life I've only wanted one thing for my future and that was to be an actress. I was actually part of an agency when I was 13 and quit when I was 17. I quit for two main reason...the first being the fact that the agency wasn't going to get me anywhere (they prided themselves on the fact that their biggest stars went on to do national commercials) and the second being the fact that most people in my life had zero support for me.

My parents are a different story. They're amazing in a lot of ways, and they have always supported all of my stupid decisions. I like that. I have learned a lot of important lessons and matured greatly throughout the years because of this.

Annnyywayyyy...so when I was about to graduate high school I always had it in my mind to skip university and work on acting. Sadly, I let the discouragement get to me and decided to leave acting behind and go to a boring university and study a boring degree and lead a boring life. To make the boring slightly more exciting I came up with the idea of studying my degree in Australia - my favourite country. I visited in 2004 for an educational People to People trip, and fell in love with the country, culture, and people.

Moved to Australia January 2008 and attended Macquarie university. Lived at a terrible Christian student housing college. It was extremely strict. No alcohol (though the drinking age is 18), no same sex members in the same room after 12, we had tiny shitty ass rooms with no air conditioning and a small ass heater, and it was basically like high school all over again -- only I was living there 24/7. So it was much fucking worse.

There were cliques, weekly newspapers and fucking gossip galore. I guess it's safe to say I despised this place. But I did fall in love with a Malaysian man. 24. Half Sri Lankan half Chinese. Gorgeous. Funny. Charismatic. Kind. Or so I thought...

We moved in with each other and let's just say we had a disasterous breakup this January that included cops and rental disputes.

However, I'm grateful for the breakup for this one main reason: I was fucking miserable in Australia, and I didn't realise it simply because I was in such a serious relationship. Other than that, I had no friends and I loathed school. I was lonely and depressed constantly. I now know that I am definitely not cut out for school, and my only course of action can and will always be acting. End of story. No matter what people say. So thank you bad, horrible, toxic, unhealthy relationship. You made that obvious.

I tried out for the National Institute of Dramatic Arts (where Cate Blanchett, Hugo Weaving, Judy Davis, and Mel Gibson went to school) back in November and, of course, didn't make it. They accept something like 20 people a year in all of Australia. I didn't really think I would get in but what the hell, gave it a try.

So now I am back home. My horribly failed attempt at independence looming over my head everyday, making me feel like a pathetic worthless loser. Living with my parents again. Seriously didn't think that would happen.

How do I get out of this funk? This hating myself, thinking I can't achieve anything, wondering how I'm going to get my life back on track? It's horrible. I don't know what to do. I don't have a job here (just got back a couple weeks ago), don't have any money saved up, don't have many friends...so I'm all alone.

- Robert James Waller